Friday, December 01, 2006

Marcus, What Do I Do Now that I'm in Congress?

Hi, my name is Michele Bachmann and I am the newly-elected Congressman from the 6th Congressional District in Minnesota. I ran for office because my husband, Marcus, said I should. Being the ever obedient wife, I did as I was told, but I never figured on winning!!! I mean, just between you and me, why would anyone vote for a ultra-conservative, religious wingnut like me?!? All I can figure is they must of thought how cute I am and how I speak so well in public, you know, for being a woman and all.

Monday, July 24, 2006

LOST: My Virginity

LOST: My Virginity. When: Friday evening. Last seen somewhere around the corner of 25th Street and Aldrich Avenue South. Answers to: “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!” Description: Reddish fur and loves to be petted and purrs quite easily and loudly. I am worried about her because she has never been outside, but Friday nite someone left the garage door open and she got out. She is very dear to me and I can’t wait to get My Virginity back again….. I miss her so much. She is pretty tame (although can be feisty, if provoked) and has also had her shots so no need to worry about getting scratched. If FOUND, sizable reward. (P.S. I thought you would also enjoy this sweet picture of a very cute kitty-kat...) Call Ruby at 555-1212.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Living on the Edge; Or Some Reasons Why I Don't Own A Gun

Dear God,

Thank you that I don't own a gun. If I did, I would probably be writing to you from the old Graybar Hotel. There is an old saying that goes "It's not guns that kill people, it's people who have teetered off that unstable ledge of life on Planet Earth"--well, maybe that's not exactly how it went, but it was something close to that.

One reason I don't own a gun: Neighbors whose car alarms go off at 2 a.m.

Another reason: People who parallel park "by touch."

Just one more reason: People knocking on my door on Saturday morning (when I have a hangover) trying to sell me copies of the Watch Tower.

You see, it's not so much an issue of gun control as stupidity control. So, thank you God that I'm not packin' heat. I thank you and all those who embrace stupidity thank you.

One of your trusted servants,
Ruby Rutabaga

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

My Dad in His "Welcome Back Kotter" Days

Hi, this is Ruby. I have had a couple of people ask me about my family. Like I said, my parents were hippies back in the 60s. My Dad, Jimi Rutabaga, is pictured here holding my little brother, Robert. My Dad was a part-time actor and this was at the time when he auditioned to be Gabe Kaplan's replacement on "Welcome Back Kotter." ABC ended up dropping the show after John Travolta left the cast to venture out on his own. My Dad still refers to Travolta as "that high-and-mighty so-and-so." I guess you could say he had never quite gotten over it, but the restraining order, the meds and the Tai Chi lessons have helped tremendously.

6/6/06: The Real Antichrist Was Holding A Full House

(Hollywood, CA) While some people are awaiting the arrival of the Antichrist (a.k.a. The Beast) today with it being June 6, 2006 (according to our Gregorian calendar). Those folks waiting for the arrival of the Antichrist will be sorely disappointed that this event actually occurred on September 22, 1987--the night that ABC's "Full House" aired its first episode. The Anitchirst was thought to take human form in various characters at various points in the series run, but believed mostly to inhabit the Olsen Twins. Black Monday, October 19, the day that the world stock markets took a deep decline, was a mere 27 days after the premiere of "Full House"--mere coincidence or an apocalyptic plan? You decide. Just ask yourself this question: Are you better off now than you were in 1987?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

The Truth About How the Bird Flu is Transmitted

(Orlando, FL) What the United States government does not want you to know about the bird flu and why. There have been two undocumented cases of avian (bird) flu in Orlando, Florida. Reports were that the two allegedly infected persons were children. The report was leaked by a nurse, who wished to remain anonymous, at a hospital in the Orlando area. She said the two children were admitted by their parents, but the details were too awful to disclose. However, she did say the two, who were in a semi-delirious state when admitted for treatment, kept singing "It's A Small World After All" over and over again until they could be properly sedated. An unnamed source and member of the militant, neo-vegan group, the KFC Sanders, believes the two children in question may be the ones who were photographed just hours earlier enjoying a visit to an undisclosed Orlando theme park.